I haven't done an actual post for a while...due partially to laziness, but mostly to lack of time.  It's been crazy with the end of the semester approaching (by the way, how insane is that?). It's hard to believe we only have one full week of classes left...then finals, one last TC gig...and then it'll be time to leave this wonderful place with these wonderful people I've grown to love so very much. And I'll have just a short while to prep myself before diving into this summer's crazy adventure down in Pittsburgh with UIF.  I'm not quite nervous about it, probably just because I barely have time to stop and think about it.  Sometimes I do pause and realize what I'm going to be doing, and I'm like...holy cow, God, how did I get myself into this? I feel inadequate for such a task.  But then I'm reminded of Gideon and His conversation with God over a similar topic:

"But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family." 
The Lord answered, "I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together."
((judges 6:15-16))

He'll be with me. That's all I need to know. That also reminds me of words from one of our TC songs....."Fear not for I have redeemed you; I know you by name, you are Mine. When you pass thro' the waters, pass thro' the waves, I will be with you." 

So...I guess that leaves me with nothing else to do but surrender and trust...and get wicked-psyched about what God is going to do this summer.

On a side note, I just have to express my excitement that I was able to pull out the 6 string and jam for the first time in a good while yesterday. And it was really exciting because...I kinda pseudo-wrote my first song ever. No lyrics or anything, mainly just jamming. But ah...I loved it. What an outlet.

And then last night I got to see Casablanca for the first time ever...with my favorite alter egos. Ahh, good times.  I love friends.

Oh yeah...and I suppose I should make an official record here that yes, indeed....it is white raining here in Western PA on April 24. As in less than a week from being May. It's even accumulating on the ground. Sigh. Gotta love God's sense of humor, huh? 

Ok...time to stop procrastinating and finish up this paper. Peace out, kids.

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking...

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart
And make it all Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked.....and still You knocked

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking...

~shaun groves

Hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders,
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there, so don't you fear

Hush little baby baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

I carried you when you were too weak to walk
I took to you when you gave your heart to God
Faithful and true, that's what I'll always be to you
Believe in Me and these mountains have to move
You have dreams and aspirations
I knew you before creation
Your foundation's solid
I will give you a palace, restore your soul
You'll be up for any challenge
Many storms are on the way, better sharpen your faith
Count the cost, take up your cross
And wear it every day
Rest in Me and I will give you strength
Blessed is she, who seeks my face...

Hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders,
Don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers, just cast your cares
And I'll be there, so don't you fear

Hush little baby baby don't you cry
Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby
Everything's gonna be alright
The Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight

~tobymac

Hold onto that with all your heart...cling to Him...He's in control, and He's crazy in love with you...

One of my favorite passages of scripture is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Gah...what encouragement that is! It carries me through a lot of difficult circumstances and seemingly hopeless situations. Remembering that whatever I'm going through here is such a far cry from what I was ultimately created for...that there's way more to come on the other side of eternity...

As I was talking with a friend the other day, we were talking about this passage....and he reminded me of the fact that as Paul wrote this, he was experiencing incredibly intense persecution and suffering for his faith. And the fact that he referred to all that as "light and momentary troubles"...gosh. If that kind of trouble is "light," I can't even imagine a term that would apply to the extent of "trouble" that I agonize over. Honestly...that just puts it all into perspective. In the grand scheme of things, how truly self-absorbed and petty are the circumstances I deem to be intense struggles. Struggles that don't even concern His kingdom in the least...

This reminds me again that the ultimate goal is not to achieve earthly happiness or fulfillment....it's to seek first His kingdom, whatever that means. I like how Mercyme puts it in one of their newer songs..."how can I further Your kingdom, when I'm so wrapped up in mine?" So true. Much of what I struggle with and spend time thinking about and even praying about is centered on my own little world and my future. But the story isn't about me. I'm just a supporting role, honored even to make an appearance somewhere on His pages.

I seriously detest the times I lose my focus and start becoming consumed by my earthly thoughts and worries about life, my future, etc.  It invokes such an emptiness in the deepest part of me.....emptiness that tells me I need Him much more than I even know...

Lord, I want to yearn for You...

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor in the corner of my eye,
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen...

I love that God chooses to allow us to see "glimpses" of His beauty, majesty, power, and glory in His creation.  He didn't have to make earth more than a grayish, dull blob...because real life doesn't begin until eternity anyway, so what does it matter what this temporary rest stop looks like? But no...He chose to reveal Himself through His creation...so that we wouldn't be left here without a clue about our Creator.

And what creativity He has! The most amazing part about looking at His creation is that in addition to gleaning small tastes of His infinite beauty, He also chooses to allow us to see Truth in it all.  He created an eagle so that we would understand what it means to "soar," even when we're weary.  He created the butterfly so that we would understand the concept of becoming a brand "new creation."  He created darkness to help us remember how much we truly need the Light.  The earth has been spinning for about 12 to 14 thousand years...and every single day without fail, the sun has risen and set...an awesome reminder of His faithfulness to us (...except for that one time in the Old Testament when the sun stood still for 3 straight days for a battle that was going on....but that was just plain sweet).  He also paints a brand new sunrise every single morning (what other artist can claim to have created a fresh new masterpiece every single morning for 14 thousand years?)...just so we have a visual reminder every single day that His mercies are new every morning.

How often we gloss over or take for granted all of these aspects of creation, just because we've seen them every day for our entire lives.  But let us never cease to be in awe of the Lord...in awe of His splendor, His glory...His love for us that caused Him to create such amazing pieces of beauty and truth.

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.

~Psalm 19:1-2

There is a part of me
That's only visiting
Torn from eternity
A stranger here

The awkward mingling of
The loveless and beloved
So far from things above
While I am here

So when the last notes of my soul's summer symphony
Go stealing through this old world's cold garden gates
I will hold no fear as You close my book of hours
And the hands of heaven carry me
Carry me home to stay...

~Shaun Groves

Sigh. Sometimes...I just get really Homesick....with a capital H...

I can't wait to see You face to face,  Lord...to touch Your nail-scarred hands...to kneel and kiss Your precious feet...to be swept away in Your loving embrace, as You finally welcome me Home...and real life will begin...

I heard exactly the message I needed to hear at Warriors Thursday night (I love how God does that!).  He spoke on the issue of waiting for the Lord...which is definitely something pertinent to my life right now. He illustrated the whole waiting-on-God thing by referring to the life of Abraham.  Seriously...look at how long he had to wait to see God's promise fulfilled (that God would make a great nation out of Abraham).  And he was already 75 years old when God made that promise to him.  At one point Abraham tried to take matters into his own hands and slept with his wife's maidservant...but that wasn't what God had intended.  I do the same exact thing...I try to wait for God and His perfect timing...but so often I get impatient and try to take things into my own hands.  Just like Abraham, I think...well what if this is my only chance?  What if I miss this opportunity and then am left with nothing to fulfill my dream? But honestly...that's just nonsense.  When I take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things...God isn't just going to be like "oops...I forgot to orchestrate this or make that little thing happen. I guess my plan will just go to the dogs now."  He's HUGE. He's bigger than the air I breathe. He obviously has it all taken care of. And His plan is so way better than anything my fallen human brain could think up.  It definitely helps me to get back on track with trusting and waiting when I remember that.  Seriously...a story written by the God of the universe who adores me and cares about/for every litttle detail of my life (that I may not even know/think about) is infinitely better than any piddly little attempt at a story I could scribble down.

So now as I wait for Him...it's not going to be a passive, sitting-here-tapping-my-foot-while-life-passes-me-by kind of thing.  He's given me plenty to do in the meantime. I mean...there's always a lot of work to be done on my mind and heart, for one thing. The main thing I just need to remember is to trust and obey. Trust and obey....

I was anticipating this week to be highly stressful, as I have 2 ginormous exams and 2 huge papers due...and I did nothing over break, since I was gone on tour the whole time.  I was wondering when in the world I was going to find time to write these papers and study. But now all of a sudden...everything has opened up perfectly so that I will definitely be able to get everything done without late nights or stress. Gah...He's amazing.

In other news, I finally received my official paperwork from UIF for my job this summer...woot! So...basically I just have to sign one of the copies of the letter of hire and send it back, and I'm in. I'm going to pray a little more about it tonight to make sure it's what God wants for me...but it's looking like that's what's going to be happening for me this summer. I'm still wicked-excited about it, but I'm also a tad bit nervous...just the whole completely out of my comfort zone thing, I guess. But...that's where the whole learning to trust thing comes in again.  I know He'll provide...He always has, always will. Why do I worry? Geez.

I also need to figure some other things out for next year, such as my whole on-campus job situation and class schedules and certain activities. It seems I always catch myself trying to plan every little detail out myself without even consulting Him...and if I do talk to Him about it, it's like a last resort. Oi. Time to put first things first. Less worry and stress that way.

I need to do that more in general...with the big things in my life.  My future...my hopes...my desires.  He's bigger than all of it and has already taken care of every little detail.  In fact, since He transcends time, He's already there...enjoying the look on my face when I discover the joys His plan has in store for me.  So again I ask....why do I worry?

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
~Psalm 27:14

Wow....will God ever cease to amaze me? I think not...

Just got back from TC tour 2005...what an incredible experience! God worked in so many ways, as of course He tends to do on a regular basis. It was just an amazing privilege to sing His words and His message of joy and hope to the people who came each night. And how awesome it was to talk with the people after and in our host homes and share our lives with one another. Although we considered it a ministry on our part, some of the host families I stayed with were actually an incredible encouragement to me...I met some really strong Christian folks who just totally inspired me to seek God even more. Gah, I love fellowship with believers.

I guess I had no idea how close all of us TC-ers would seriously get over tour, but holy cow....what friendships were built! And even though we'll still see each other at rehearsal 4 times a week, I still feel like I'm going to miss them, since now I'm so used to being with them 24/7. I thought I knew what Christian fellowship was. Well...maybe I did...but now my concept of it has just exponentially grown like crazy. It's so true that Christ's love is made complete in us when we love one another...what love I have felt this last week!

I definitely learned how easy it is to get distracted on a trip like this, too.  Staying focused is something I cannot possibly do on my own...a lot of praying was going down on my part, definitely. The Devil just frantically looks for every little foothold he can possibly find and digs right in.  He definitely knows what makes me tick and what it takes to get my focus off of Christ.  That happens in normal everyday life here, too.  It just definitely takes constant re-focusing and surrendering throughout the day...oh Lord, grant me the strength to do it.

Overall...God really used the trip just to remind me that He is completely in control, and He is the complete hope of my life.  I don't know what is going to happen...what people he'll bring into my life in significant ways, or what opportunities will come up that He'll want me to take.  And that can be a little unnerving for me especially, because I'm such a planner and I like to know how every little thing is going to go down. But...I can not only trust Him to guide my steps and control every little detail of my life in His divinely beautiful way....but I can also trust Him to give me the strength I'll need to get through it with flying colors, whatever it is.  And no matter what happens, whether it be what I would prefer or not...I do know that after it's all said and done, I have a seat and place setting reserved with my name on it at the table of the Lord my God. Now does it get any better than that??

Oh, and P.S....we definitely sang in Duke University's chapel AND in Monticello (as in, Tommy J's house)...yeah dawg.

Hey kids...I know it's been a while, do forgive me. It's been a mad-crazy week, to say the least. I'm afraid I still don't have time tonight to update you completely or anything, but I just wanted to post some scripture on here that I think is wicked-awesome and is an incredible encouragement to me...

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

~1 Peter 1:3-9

mmm....good stuff